I had an impulse to count all the milestones of loss I’ve endured, like a numerology parlor game, and discovered my hardship number added to one. From a spiritual perspective, one is considered the number of primal force and creation. Interestingly, it shed light on what I already knew- The Divinely Orchestrated road map that Suicide, Cancer, AIDS, Miscarriage and Divorce prepared me for.
Sometimes the Universe resorts to a series of unfortunate events so we’ll fall into the fountain of fear, fill our buckets with wisdom and climb out to the heights of our greater humanity. It was loss, pain and suffering; the magic three, that set me free.
I first experienced loss at nineteen, when my boyfriend committed suicide. It was something that defined me by fear and being unworthy for many years. I wasn’t going to put my heart back on the line for a long time, and when I did, it was with a man the opposite of my first boyfriend- a tactic I thought could be controlled and outsmarted to keep my heart safe. Then, a dear friend of mine got cancer and died while in my twenties. Another friend, like a brother, died of AIDS by the time I was thirty. I met my husband, felt a deep love that transcended the loss and brought me to another series of unfortunate events- miscarriage. I had five before my daughter was born and one after.
An accumulated life’s journey I learned to accept and file away in my “Have Strength” folder. I eased into the simplicity of a profoundly soulful, comforting love with my husband and felt grateful that he, my daughter and I were healthy and full of possibility. Our lives were filled with laughter, play and wide open dreams. I felt our love together could transcend the rigors of daily life and nothing could penetrate our bond.
However, the suffering was back with a “primal force,” when my husband wanted out of our fifteen years to live a different life than the one we signed up for together. I felt like I was going to die or never recover. The man who was my partner and I trusted with my life became foreign and unrecognizably absent when mid-life hit our family.
My husband, not wanting to cause more pain- withheld his actions and ultimately manifested the most suffering for what I came to realize as the greatest heartache and gift, life had ever given me. Paradoxically, it was a catalyst for me to fully embrace my light and open my heart beyond measure. The suffering delivered me to the divine spark in the space between my soul and humanity.
Why me, became more about Why is the Universe Calling on me? The purpose became clear when I heard the message to step up and speak out about life meeting loss from a place of light, rather than dark, a place of love rather than fear. That Gentle Giant voice I heard from God when my heart shattered, presented me with a choice- “Either live in fear or live in love. Pay attention to the signs connecting your heart to Spirit, you are purging lifetimes so the ultimate light can shine through in this one.”
Throughout the suffering, I felt ripped off that God had singled me out and forced me to endure challenges I didn’t sign up for- or did I? I was resentful and wanted to kill myself; but knew that Suicide wasn’t an option, Cancer was questionable, and AIDS wasn’t in my blood. The responsibility was mine and for me to navigate alone- separate from my husband or anyone.
Mostly, I felt unequipped at navigating things, but found greater hope, courage and inspiration to pull me forward. Through it all, my pain was trying to give me gifts that I sometimes accepted and sometimes overlooked.
I didn’t consider myself a writer, but channels opened for messages that I paid attention to by following the signs when presented. I’d wake up at strange, pre-dawn hours to write words that tumbled from my tired hand to paper, or people, visions, and billboard messages “showing up” to answer questions when asked.
I also don’t consider myself a religious person by going to church every Sunday, but do consider myself a spiritually connected person. I’d hear, see and feel things God wanted me to notice. Rumi, the 13th century poet said, “Your wound is where the light enters you.” And my wound is where I discovered that our hearts are meant to flow life through our souls. The more we shut them down or close them off from fear or protection, the less vibrancy we get to live.
My life became less about protecting and controlling where I was going and more about being a voice to open more heart in the world. Igniting light, and letting it shine bright, is what brings me here and now with you.
To Bigger, Bolder and Brighter Lives for Everyone…
From My Heart to Yours,
Kris