When I got married I didn’t know what my better and what my worse would be. A lot of us who didn’t make it in marriage are in a club we don’t want to be a member of.
That being said, I was sharing at a seminar for celebrating Women and Worth, when a woman came up to me after and said, “Wow, you make divorce look good!” And- no, it wasn’t a seminar where we pulled out mirrors for a quick look at our vaginas, cheering how much better they were than a penis… However, it was a seminar where we did uncover somewhere along the way our husbands light became more important than our own. The woman’s comment spoke to the part of me that no longer keeps myself hidden in the shadows of life. I celebrate resilience, beauty, Grace, and the occasional dagger throwing toward my former husband.
Let’s call a spade a spade, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies being on your own in the vast new world of dating, the party of one at restaurants, and the empty longing for the man you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. The occasional dagger throwing towards my former spouse feels good sometimes, but those daggers always seem to have a boomerang effect.
The moments I want to send knives his way are when I’m not fully present and rejoicing in my life. The moments when I imagine his life being more interesting than mine, are when I stumble in my stride. The moments I imagine him in his blissed out and free life, while I’m holding a sick child when fever wakes her at 2am- are the moments I silently curse him for not being next to me. And, the crescendo moments I have daggers in both hands are when the reverberating silence of his absence screams loudly in our daughter- “Mommy, I didn’t want him to go…”
It’s the dagger distraction that keeps me stuck and finds evidence that I have every right to be holding in my fist. Ironically, I miss the point of Grace in those moments because there is no room for a miracle to enter my hand while I’m holding a dagger so tightly in my fist. After I take a moment to breathe, I remind myself of the resilience example I want to be for my daughter- and then I’m able to comfort her from a place of renewal and love.
I’ve been around long enough to know the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Paradoxically, the more passion and purpose I have toward my own lawn, the less concerned I am about his. My former husband is a kind and loving father. When all is said and done, this remains true. And when the dust of blame settles; I know the more I focus on the magic and miracles in my life, the more free I am to create beyond my wildest dreams. The subtle shift gives me great courage accessed through vulnerability and I discover renewed power, honor and chutzpah to design my life on my terms.
I was telling a friend the other day, “I didn’t walk through the fire of despair to play small on the other side.” Living Bigger, Bolder and Brighter is my purple-heart badge of courage. I’m clear that my dignity runs deep and needs to be brought to the surface more- reminding me of my greatest potential, which is turning my pain into purpose. And living well is the best justice any classy, sassy girl could ever strive and hope for.
As always, Ignite your light and let it shine bright.
From My Heart to Yours,
Kris